Private Case

2:20 public case and the mod reaction to my appeal

3:30 private case intro

A1 | ATTITUDES TO ABUSE

4:33 attitudes to abuse

5:08 warspy screenshot (https://f005.backblazeb2.com/file/nthmcs/case/252.png). i wanted to disclose the stuff about 1ups and jpep/mlarvitar but the mods refused.

7:15 warspy: “it’s hard to argue with that”. he doesn’t know what i mean when i say i’ve been emotionally abusive in private, and the situations were wrong personally but there’s not enuff there for public escalation. i acknowledge abuse for self-reflection, which is how you learn from it, rather than caring what others think.

9:30 jpep: i have shot myself down in my own tweets.

10:00 imglower analogy. he admitted sexual harassment in private, but came out in public denying it. reneging prevents you from improving, but also everyone is capable of bad behaviours, and it takes nuance to figure out what public justice should be.

12:26 i was disgusted by the reneging first, but understood in hindsight when i saw public reaction. people put themselves above him, exaggerated the nature of the abuse, took absolutist positions on sexual harrassment being worse than other kinds, etc.. it all depends on situation, and having absolutist views denies how one can become like that, sees the abuser as evil and puts themselves above the abuser.

13:38 in my situation, i can see mlarvitar abused me harder than i abused 1ups, but it doesn’t seem to matter cos i admitted it and he didn’t. people hook these admissions when the entire substance is in the details.

14:36 another example: “everyone in racist”; taking personally and being defensive when accused of something, which happened in this situation with “victim blaming” – mlarvitar interpreted it as vicious and saying someone is a bad person, including the example of where 1ups said something textbook victim-blaming within my case with lumardy.

16:00 summary of this point

A2 | DUE PROCESS WHEN MODDING ABUSE

17:24 due process when modding abuse

17:35 people being convinced it’s ok to not say what i did to me because of victim protection

18:42 analogy: somebody i consider a bad person sexually harassed someone else. it’s not my story to tell but i have compelling evidence and could get that person punished by reporting it

19:32 if i disclosed it, i’d say to the mods they have to disclose to the perpetrator what ey did. else that person would go crazy and become scared of yourself, of what people are saying/thinking about you, all off an allegation where you don’t know if it’s true or not

B1 | 1UPS LETTER MOTIVE TO DISCUSS

24:02 motive to address it

24:42 i’m addressing it because jpep/mlarvitar are using it to portray me as a bad person. jpep saying “everyone will realize i’m a fucking piece of shit”, appeal to an objective narrative (https://f005.backblazeb2.com/file/nthmcs/case/067.png). the two have said many things about it out to dms, private discords etc. i’ll talk about it but not post the letter in question. 1ups doesn’t want it posted and i don’t think it’d be helpful bc people don’t have the patience to understand the entire context, and the context was everything. i’d like to talk about it to own up to my abusive actions and help myself and others learn from my mistakes

28:32 the emotional abuse is for subtle reasons, not from what i said being wrong and so attacking someone’s insecurities for no reason. the deep personal context means each person has a valid understanding of the relationship that can’t be nullified by someone outside the relationship. despite the way i communicated my side being unacceptable on a personal level

30:00 my biggest grievance is jpep/mlarvitar spreading the letter. the mods know about it, but 1ups didn’t go to them about it, which puts the mods in a fucked position. jpep/mlarvitar threatened me with a permanent ban in others’ dms, and the mods didn’t wanna hear my side, from it maybe compromising the secrecy of their action, nor did they want to hear about jpep/mlarvitar’s actions to do with this

B2 | 1UPS LETTER CONTEXT

31:40 basic context: i felt 1ups betrayed me as a friend and i wrote an emotionally abusive letter in return, expressing feelings of betrayal in a bad way. it seems weird to say when 1ups isn’t known for that but nor should she be bc personal stuff shouldn’t usually leave personal context unless grievous enuff, which i think it isn’t. it takes a lot to take this kind of thing out of context, else you spread drama and hurt feelings needlessly

33:15 aside: it’s scary for me to talk like this, worried i have to say the exact right thing

34:23 the “betrayal” was around the lumardy case, where there was a friend group that lu split. 1ups was maintaining friendships with people who supported/enabled lu and was actively avoiding talking to me about it

40:35 my abusive letter. it’s not abusive cos it’s “wrong” – my perspective as party in the relationship is a first-class citizen, and culpability is always mutual then. my perspective was reasonable, even if wrong. jpep puts himself in a position of hight above me in judging. the reality of a relationship is true for both sides and if it doesn’t work for one then one must leave the relationship

42:30 it was abusive for (1) overwhelming. that’s something i’ve done badly in the past, but doesn’t really apply here because i hadn’t spoken with 1ups for 3 months. from my impressions of the state of the relationship, i decided i didn’t want to get involved in a conversation before setting out my points

44:12 (2) targeting insecurities. i did it because i held the insecurities to be directly relevant to our problems, rather than to make her feel bad. maybe i could’ve done better by just accepting them instead of getting angry about them

B3 | EDITORIALISING ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON WITHIN A RELATIONSHIP

45:25 (3) editorialising about someone.

meaning, you should be reporting facts but rather spin your opinion as if fact. that puts you in a position of being above that person. someone told me if i sent them that letter ey might never talk to me again. it’s bad because people aren’t ready to hear it, either because it’s wrong (gaslighting) or they can’t confront it

48:20 at the time i wrote the letter, i thought it was ok if i was right, which is fucked. it’s easy to think one’s right when writing an editorial, and i was largely confident in what i was saying, (except some bits where i mistakenly went into things i know not enuff about and are less relevant). my mum habitually editorialises about me with false narratives, so i know how much confidence can be undermined by it. your reaction isn’t to immediately reject the narrative, but you start internalising it and thinking who even am i. with 1ups, i may think it’s right and 1ups wrong, but either way, she feels the pain from it

52:24 (rambling)

55:32 even assuming what i’m saying is true, it will never be complete truth but my own perspective. jpep claims absolute truth over the situation on the (false) bases of having witnessed almost all our interactions and understanding my complaint (which he never listened to). my perspective is just, i was there and it was my relationship

57:08 summary: editorialising is always bad, cos that person is likely to feel it’s wrong whether or not it is, or even if not, guilt or ego or defensiveness can get involved. i feel like i want to hear criticisms cos i’m fairly egoless, but only within a relationship by the other person. it’s a case where i shouldn’t do as i wish to be done to me

B4 | REACTIONS

1:00:12 people who know the context think it doesn’t make sense to ban over this, even if they think it’s unacceptable and i’m more the guilty party in the relationship

1:01:28 daring to take sides assumes you’ll react in the same way as one of the two sides, which you will never know until this shit happens to you. my first such serious personal conflict happened 2 years ago (age 25)

1:02:48 describing perspectives of onlookers (repeat of 1:00:12)

1:04:45 quoting perspectives

1:08:29 jpep clear that “everyone will realise i’m a fucking piece of shit”. it’s bad but not nearly that bad

B5 | ESCALATING THIS INTO A PUBLIC ISSUE

1:10:39 foundation i:

the question of whether this should be taken beyond the confines of the relationship. imo clearly no. i consider my reaction a human reaction – an abusive and over-the-top reaction to betrayal – and loyalty is an important consideration in adult relationships. it is possible to fault people for, say, killing a cheating s/o, so things can be escalated beyond personal context (rape is another example). otoh, ppl online these days don’t have a good understanding that they themselves can be abusive – jpep/mlarvitar are an example, where they can seemingly not see their own actions.

1:14:53 foundation ii:

(legal argument) there’s no evidence of pattern. either repetition, dishonesty, or illegality. jpep considers the public case evidence of pattern, but to me it’s abundantly clear that it isn’t relevant – altho i am predisposed to handle these things in toxic ways, the motives and context being so different renders it irrelevant.

B6 | COUNTERING ACCUSATIONS ABOUT THE LETTER

1:21:33 i’ve tried to handle this well, but i have to handle it because of jpep/mlarvitar

1:24:00 countering mlarvitar accusations: manipulation – on the basis of it being wrong (which he has no idea), plus multiple people have said things along the lines of “1ups can do no wrong” (despite, for example, the ostensibly good trait of avoiding conflict leading to the banning-toburr-without-consent debacle). possibly also cos of presumed negging, which doesn’t make sense cos of lack of my expectation of continuing the relationship

1:28:34 bullying 1ups out of the community, doesn’t make sense because it was her decision off a personal relationship problem where i was only abusive once

1:29:42 connection to public case – speculation, or saying things that are wrong. but the motives are respectively me defending against perceived abuse and me trying to address a broken relationship.

1:30:20 presenting this connection as a “revelation”, essentialising me (i am just like that)

B7 | HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS BLOWN UP

1:31:27 i don’t understand the amount of intervention and judgement in how i handle my close friendships, and the tendency of spreading personal issues to a large group (already happened to me with lumardy) to make me lose my friends. i feel like i should have autonomy, i’m not keeping people trapped in these friendships. people can vent to a few friends – i even suggested to jpep to read my letter if 1ups wanted. ridiculous and painful consequences. i can be the one who doesn’t escalate but then someone will always do it to me

C | PRIVATE CASE POSSIBILITIES

1:37:17 i think the private case is just 1ups; don’t wanna prove that from all the things Jpep and MLarvitar have told various people

1:38:31 summary of 1ups: she didn’t report it; somebody informed the mods about it; idk if they’ve read it but they referred to private victim-identifying evidence. plus, it was clearly used for the ban

1:19:30 nothing else it could be. don’t think it can be jpep since he’s been outright spreading lies about me – you can’t pretend to be a victim while doing that

1:40:10 i don’t have negative private interactions with most people i have conflict with – all those conflicts are out in the open. have positive, shallow relationships with everyone else

1:41:18 don’t think it’s lu because the one incident of my abusiveness there was relatively minor and covered by context

D | FEELINGS

1:42:40

1:44:03 secret case, getting everyone turned against me, all convos about it excluding me, nobody has asked. use of non-disclosure against me

1:45:00 public bullying (talking about removing my il scripts), amount of hatred, ganging-up (with mlarvitar discord, with bingo community, attempted cancellation by awesomo, with lumardy)

1:47:00 people care about my public actions but not about how secrecy is abused

1:48:10 can’t handle any more false narratives and mischaracterisation, or blowing up shit i did that wasn’t anything like what it was presented as

1:48:57 i’m scared that everyone will move on but the situation hasn’t ended neutrally. people care when the case is made against me but it’s too much when i defend myself. even my defenders have to move on eventually

1:50:03 people pick at my arguments instead of focusing on their substance

1:51:13 jealousy over not being stuck up for and everyone moving on

1:52:20 these were all my closest friendships, first times i’d allowed myself to be intimate with people. and it always ended in this way where even if it had to end, it would get blown up as other people’s business

1:53:18 i’d like to be able to learn to be less abusive and accept ending relationship but i just don’t know how it always turns into this public shit and how my personality defects escalate into me getting abused

1:54:50 i want to improve my toxic aspects but can always tell when the criticism is disproportionate, and don’t feel like i’m being given a chance

1:56:15 i surrender. can’t handle not being told what i’m accused of, or any more social ostracisations, or false narratives, or having my appeals ignored

1:58:38 introspections and end